Hello! Happy Wednesday! It is finally no longer January …hallelujah! Really though, January felt like the longest month ever, but doesn’t it always? I mean, it felt like a whole year in itself. But then I think of all of those people who have birthdays in January and think they are the luckiest people because their birthday month is SUPER LONG! Is your birthday in January? If it is, you are a lucky one and I hope you celebrated all month long…because we all know that’s what I would do. Haha.
I haven’t been on here in a while, so I figured I would share a life update with you on this fine Wednesday morning…now, before I start, I must say that this isn’t really the most positive post I’ve published on here, but it is real, and since it is going on in my life I needed to write about it. I didn’t expect myself to be writing this blog post ever. But here I am.
Life Lately: Words Hurt.
You might be thinking why I am publishing a blog post on a Wednesday morning when I should be at work and not at home typing away on my laptop. Well, spoiler: I no longer work at the preschool I was working at. You might be confused, because if I were you I would be confused too, but I promise it isn’t a bad thing (even though what happened was bad) and in the end I feel so much lighter and happier. You might even remember that I JUST started this teaching job at this new school in mid December, and I was actually really happy there and was really positive about it. I felt like I belonged there and I was actually saying the words “I love my job”, which if you know me, you know I rarely use “love” and “job” in the same sentence. But no, I really did. I felt good about it and was happy to go to work everyday. Until Friday happened.
I literally had the worst work day ever, on a Friday. Go figure.
Now, let me rewind a little bit to give you a bit of info: I told my boss something personal that is going on with me a couple days before this incident happened. It was shared with her because I thought she was understanding and I thought I felt comfortable telling her. Key word here: THOUGHT. I’m not getting into that part of it, but I think it has to be brought up before digging into this incident even though you don’t know the specifics.
Okay, so, moving on. Friday afternoon she pulled me in for a meeting to basically tell me that I am the world’s worst teacher. If you are teacher, or a person in any profession, you know that being told that you are the world’s worst (insert: whatever profession you are in) teacher is not really ideal. I mean, it kind of hits you pretty hard. No one wants to be told that they aren’t doing a good job at anything, let alone something you think you are happy doing and LOVE doing.
The person she was describing to me was NOT me at all, and she was not sugar coating anything at all. For the entire 40 minutes of that meeting, she was blatantly putting me down and making me feel smaller and smaller and smaller…until I felt like I was a crumb on the floor.
I was shocked. I was blind sided. These things she said were never ever said to me in all of my years of teaching or student teaching in college. I mean, I got a lot of constructive criticism during my time student teaching, but I have NEVER been told straight up criticism like that before. Ever.
I actually felt like I was back in middle or high school for a minute because it was said that “everyone” feels this way and “everyone” sees this behavior from me. I mean, WHAT? Am I crazy? Is this real life? I was questioning myself and my character and just wanted to RUN out of there and never return. But I didn’t. I sat there and I took it. And no, I didn’t defend myself because I was just shocked. And crying. And humiliated. I think I was just sitting there with my mouth wide open because I was blind sided.
It’s kind of hard to listen to someone bash your character and tell you the words “it is clear that you don’t like children” when I think that is not true…but then you start to believe that because you know, “everyone” sees it.
But no. That is not true. I was wrestling with my thoughts all weekend long but I know that I actually do love children. My heart bursts with joy when I am around them.
It is unfortunate, but there was motive behind it and it’s obvious that I don’t belong there anymore. So unfortunately I don’t work there anymore.
The truth is, in life, sometimes you can come across a person who wants to bring you down and/or who talks badly about who you are as a person. Sometimes they do it right to your face, while others do it behind your back. Don’t get me wrong, either of these is horrible. But when someone is bashing your character right to your face it kind of hits you right in the gut, and makes you feel like you are no longer worthy. You might even do as I did and begin to question yourself and start to almost believe those words that were spoken because you must be crazy if “everyone” sees it, right? No. In that moment I had to stand firm in what I KNOW is true: I am worthy. I am enough. I am loved. I am a daughter of the most high King and who He says I am, is the truth.
This won’t stop me from being my normal (happy) self. I’ve dealt with bullies and mean people before, but never in the form of a superior. Words hurt, especially when the words that are spoken to you/over you are undermining and words that you know are just not at all true. But I can’t dwell on them. I may have believed the words she spoke about me for like a second, but deep down I know that they are not true.